There is no more meaning

I wonder and then I wonder again. I believe I can wonder more than any of the greatest real wonders of the world, I wonder of abstract forms, abstract matters and abstract flows.

Give a reason why not to wonder when all I have is life and many things are taken away from me by force and luck. When happy ends of the mythic stories never seem to come true, I come to desperation with only blood running through my hand palms and nothing else on my naked hands. When my new little silver watch gets frozen to a random time, and I feel my heart beating to a monotony that seems useless as if life is a dead – end street , literary meaning, I get sad.

I want to see change, change coming from an outside force; I feel forceless, just alive, that’s it.

But no, I have some good things in life. However with all misfortunes that have happened to me I am afraid to admit them anymore. Luck takes them all, one by one, slowly. There is no security anymore. There is no hope, no confidence, there is no trust, and there is no love.

14 hungry dogs were walking under my balcony late at night.  I would say wolfs, but since there was no else there with me, I am not sure enough to describe those frightening animals with that name.

After the dogs when on the other side of the corner that takes you to an abandoned street on the left side of the little parking lot.  The noises coming from that dark place, where the angle was not right for me to see from the balcony, were terrorizing. Sharp teeth, flash, bones, blood and animal cry; it was fear.  Although at safe from the dogs in my tall balcony I got my skin electrified, my knees shaken. I couldn’t see anymore so I went inside to bed and covered myself with a blanket.

I am sick, I need to get well, I need to regain hope and courage and I need to start feeling good.

Get back later when I can tell you that story.



30/ 05/ 2013

1 thought on “There is no more meaning

  1. This is sincere and deep. It’s not easy to write that way, and we wish there was an outside force to bring change, to help. But that’s why we write in the first place – it’s only the inside, personal force that ever does anything. Just you and you – and that’s the miracle of life. Especially knowing that wolves and dogs and creatures everywhere are equally afraid all the time – that’s why they pretend to be scary. It’s good to feel, it’s good to feel calm rather than to feel good. Hope never leaves us. And knowing that hope is always there is the meaning of courage itself, I think.

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